Blog Post 005

My eyes shot open, "I'm late,” I thought to myself. I sat up in bed and went to look out the window.. but I realized I wasn't in a room with windows, or even a bed. I actually couldn't tell if I was in a room at all. This place felt fuzzy to me, like I was sitting on the inside of an unopened pop can, full of carbonation. There was darkness all around me, as though it were night time on a mountainside.. but darker. The objects around me were engulfed in a blurry, dark shade with a subtle, glowing white outline to them. As far as I could see in all directions, this is what everything looked like. I could make out the shapes of objects around me, but nothing was moving, this place stood still. "What the fuck is going on, man?" I said out loud, to nobody but the birds—I suppose. I picked myself up off of the ground, I felt weightless, and as I placed my hand on the ground to push myself up; I noticed it felt slightly warm to the touch, and had a faint vibration. I tried to look around but I'd started to feel dizzy so I sat back down. "What kind of acid trip is this?" I thought out loud, realizing that my ears received my words like I was speaking them underwater. The environment around me felt like TV static. Suddenly, as I was losing myself in my thoughts; I heard a voice, that sounded as though it was coming from inside of my own skull, ask "You're awake?" I didn't respond, I felt a chill creep down my spine. I wanted to make a joke but it didn't feel like the right time. "You're right," the voice called out in an oddly calm, yet eerie tone, "you made a jarring decision, and this is not the time for humor." "I didn't even say anything?" I retorted, but as I did, the realization set in. Whatever is in my head probably doesn't need me to speak out loud, considering.. it's inside my head. "Do you remember what that decision was?” The voice said, almost mocking me. "No" I thought to myself. "You decided that the world wasn't worth living in anymore,” the voice pushed. I felt my blood run cold, it felt like I was struck by lightning and I could feel every bit of the voltage coursing through my veins. I had decided that a long time ago, but I had also decided that I would learn to live with it, so as to not flip the worlds of the lives I'd leave behind, upside down. "Why?" I said out loud. "That is a question we will have to answer together." "What did I do?" I whispered to myself as I felt warm tears start to trail down my cheeks, but when I went to wipe them away, there was nothing on my face.. I don’t even think there is a face anymore. I wanted to fall to my knees but I was already on the ground, so I laid my body flat on the ground and stared up into the blackness above me. "What did I do" I repeated the phrase to myself several times as I gripped clumps of my hair in each hand, my voice still muffled. I laid my hands at my side and stared out, lost in a spiral of thoughts. Thoughts of what I left behind—who, I left behind. I felt a sudden sense of relief to be leaving life behind after a few moments. I sat up and thought to myself, this is a good thing, my worries are a world behind me now. "Is this what the afterlife is?" I thought, for the voice in my head?" "It must be something like that," was all I received back from the voice. "Where am I? What is this?" There was no response. "Who are you?" I asked, but the silence continued. "I see," I thought to myself. I sat a few more moments. "What now then?" I asked. "I believe we must reflect,” the voice offered. "That's it? That's what you have for me?" There was no reply to this question. "Are you God? Are you the Reaper?" I paused, "The Devil?" again I got no response. "What the fuck is this?!" I yelled out into the void. I stood up again, this time staying on my feet. I started to walk around and survey the area around me. I saw an immense amount of nothingness. I walked around awhile, observing only shapes of things, unable to make out the specifics of the objects around me. Finally I gave up, my body felt weak, so I went to sit on one of the weird shapes and fell right through it to the ground. I hardly felt my body hit, and I laid down again when it did. I tried to fall asleep, maybe this is a dream I can wake myself up from. Why can't I remember what happened? I can't remember anything. I don’t even remember what I did yesterday. I don't even remember what I did the last few months. It's been so long since I even felt those feelings. What is missing here? The thoughts continued to spiral. I waited for the voice to return to answer that question, but it never did. I laid for what felt like hours, but could've been days, or weeks. I don’t even know what this is. "You've been here before." The voice muttered after a period of time that I couldn't identify. "What?" I thought, "what do you mean I've been here before." "This is your void." "Seriously? I've been to my 'void' and it's never looked like this. The 'void' is my bedroom in my tiny little apartment, in my insignificant life. This is a black hole, in some Hell, forcing me to seek out some atonement for my sins and transgressions!" I yelled out. "I'm not sure atonement is attainable at this point. The only thing left to do, is reflect, I believe." "What is that even supposed to mean?" I tried to ask, but I was met once again with silence. I don't understand.. I paused in thought. But what's not to understand? I killed myself. On the bright side, I guess I'll finally get my answer as to whether there is an afterlife or not. I closed my eyes, not that it mattered, as it was hardly darker with my eyes closed than when they’re opened here. I laid back, and I reflected. I tried to wonder what the people I left behind must think of me, but no matter how hard I tried to feel empathy, I felt nothing at all. I guess that's how I ended up in this situation in the first place. I feel remorse for the consequences of my actions, but I do find contentment in knowing that my own personal struggles have come to an end. Existing is too hard. I wonder if I'm the weak one for ending it, or the smart one. I have finished living and I never understood the point of it. 'The only meaning of life is the one YOU give it!' I used to tell myself when I would try and talk myself out of doing what I.. guess, I finally did. Horse shit to that. The point of life, in my time, was to be trampled down, over and over again. You want to go buy a piece of land to live on? Sure, go ahead and buy this house that cost twice.. no, seven or eight times your annual salary. Oh you can't afford it? Here take out this loan and spend a vast majority of your lifetime paying it off to us. Oh you paid your home off? Well that's okay, here are your home owner taxes! Please, don't even get me started on the "what if" game with car accidents, medical debt for things you didn't have a say in, or even something as shitty as plumbing issues.. PLEASE! It's all an inescapable trap. Where are you going to run and hide to? The world is too crowded with the fools that care enough to keep living and fighting the good fight, rather than ending it like the smart ones of us. The cost of living isn't worth its price tag. That shit is for the birds too. Don’t even get me started on the lies. I'm so happy to be free from a world of lying and being lied to. Where the line between true and false is decided by.. well, not great people. Not just that though, but every line in the sand is drawn by these dickheads—with no consideration of the lives they've never dreamt of, or given a second thought to. Assholes. No I don’t regret leaving that life behind. I feel remorse for the people I'm leaving behind, but I feel nothing of exaltation for the world behind me. I only wish I could've done something more profound in dying, but it means nothing anyway. Nothing profound I have to offer is anything that hasn't been thought before, or shared. The world I lived in, was long redundant. People living lives that had been lived long before they lived them, themselves. There wouldn't have been anything more profound in my lifetime anyway. But it would've been cool to witness legitimate space travel or something, but even that would've been tainted by humanity eventually. Oh Humanity, a cancer rapidly spreading. No, I'm glad I didn't get to witness that infection spread, on second thought. I am content in my choice. After some time, however, my mind ran out of thoughts to keep me busy and I began to feel a hopeless feeling creeping up behind me. Emptiness, loneliness, solitude. How long would I be here? Suddenly I started to feel very overwhelmed. How long would I be here? Does this end? The afterlife is an eternity, an incomprehensible period of time. That stupid voice said I wouldn't be here much longer.. but I've been here before? What does that even mean? This is my void.. This is my void? "What fresh Hell is this?" The sound of her voice, in that sing-song tone she uses to mock the things that she adores, reciting that line.. echoing in my head right now. I'd never get to hear her voice saying new words again. Everything.. exists in my head now. As memories. No more new phrases from her. I guess I really didn't think this one through. But I must have finally pulled the trigger.. I wonder how I did it. Why can't I remember how I did it? This has to be a dream. _____________ "The reality of the situation is that you killed us." "What?!" I called out to the voice, yelling "who is us?! Are you saying you're me?! We're me?! We're us?!” back at the voice. "Yes. I tried to fight with you about it, many times. You and I are not so different, but we're different enough. You could not cope with reality, death, or your role in your relationships and professional life, so now you made us both pay the price." "I don’t believe you, how would you remember this, and I don't?" "I'm not sure the nature of it, but I do.” “Tell me then. Tell me what happened.” “Look around dude, DOES IT FUCKING MATTER?!” “Fuck.” _____________ Suddenly, there is light. I am back in the bedroom of my shitty little apartment. I am finally awake now, and nothing that I experienced has influenced the way that I view my world at all, yet. No, I am still me. So I walk past the bathroom, without brushing my teeth, then I grab a can of pop from my fridge and sit down in my recliner. I’m gonna play some video games, I packed up a fresh bong for the occasion.